Vanguard Incarcerated Press - What It Feels Like To Have LWOP

The following editorial, "What It Feels Like to Have LWOP (Life Without Parole), is written by Jeff Ayers, who is currently incarcerated in California. It appears in the Davis Vanguard as part of their Vanguard Incarcerated Press program.

Excerpts are featured below.

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My name is Jeff Ayers, and I am going to die in prison.

I am not being melodramatic, nor am I exaggerating my situation for literary purposes. I am simply speaking truth, my truth, as it has been for the past twenty-eight of my almost fifty years of life. Some day–could be tomorrow, next week, next month, next year, who knows?–I will not wake up, and that will be it. I will have died in prison. And that is the best case scenario: dying as an old man in bed. I could also die from being stabbed accidentally or intentionally. I could die from an errant gunshot during a melee or riot. I could die from an undiagnosed illness. Whatever the cause, the effect will be the same. I will have died in prison.

How can I be so certain my death in prison is inevitable? Simple. I have been sentenced to that living death known as Life Without the Possibility of Parole, or LWOP for short.

People say, “Have hope! The laws are changing! You may even get commutted!” Have hope, indeed! How many times have well-intentioned people sought to lift my spirits with those words? I have lost count. As if those words can somehow lessen the absolute finality of my LWOP sentence. Oh, how I wish I could share their naivete!

Fault me if you wish; call me cynical if you like. Before you do, however, I invite, no, dare you to imagine spending twenty-eight years–and counting–in prison, with the full knowledge nothing you do, no certificate, no college degree, no accomplishment, no matter how impressive, will ever render you worthy of an opportunity for parole. It is my fervent hope you should never find yourself condemned to LWOP, but should you find yourself in that unfortunate position, see how long and how well you retain your optimism, your sense of hope under those circumstances.

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You can read the full editorial, "What it Feels Like to Have LWOP" at the Davis Vanguard. The Vanguard Incarcerated Press seeks to empower incarcerated voices through critical consciousness-raising, professional training and education, and the provision of meaningful community reintegration.